Humor Quotes

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.

Humor Quotes by Jack Handey
(published at 16/07/2011)

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.

Humor Quotes by Jack Handey
(published at 17/07/2011)

I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.

Humor Quotes by Jack Handey
(published at 20/07/2011)

If they ever come up with a swashbuckling school, I think one of the courses should be laughing, then jumping off something.

Humor Quotes by Jack Handey
(published at 21/07/2011)

If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a ... Read more this Humor Quotes

Humor Quotes by Jack Handey
(published at 23/07/2011)

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. 'Hear that?' you say, 'That's dynamite, baby.'

Humor Quotes by Jack Handey
(published at 26/07/2011)

If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like 'Hey, look. He's carrying a sol... Read more this Humor Quotes

Humor Quotes by Jack Handey
(published at 02/08/2011)

Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it 'dull' that Jesse James once got bitten on the forehead by an ant, and at first it didn't seem like anything, but then the bite got worse ... Read more this Humor Quotes

Humor Quotes by Jack Handey
(published at 12/08/2011)

Wit is cultured insolence.

Humor Quotes by Aristotle
(published at 05/09/2011)

Folks that blurt out just what they think wouldn't be so bad if they thought.

Humor Quotes by Kin Hubbard
(published at 07/10/2011)

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