Humor Quotes

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. 'Oh, no,' I said, 'Disneyland burned dow... Read more this Humor Quotes

Humor Quotes by Jack Handey
(published at 15/04/2011)

If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.

Humor Quotes by Jack Handey
(published at 28/04/2011)

If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then people would sing about me and I could fly down and eat them because I hate that song.

Humor Quotes by Jack Handey
(published at 19/05/2011)

Once while walking through the mall a guy came up to me and said, 'Hey, how's it going?' So I grabbed his arm and twisted it up behind his head and said 'Now who's asking the questions?'

Humor Quotes by Jack Handey
(published at 31/05/2011)

Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway; that's my point.

Humor Quotes by Jack Handey
(published at 22/06/2011)

I love to go to the schoolyard and watch the children jump and scream, but they don't know I'm using blanks.

Humor Quotes by Jack Handey
(published at 29/06/2011)

Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beaut... Read more this Humor Quotes

Humor Quotes by Jack Handey
(published at 06/07/2011)

To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, 'Hey, can you give me a hand?' you can say, 'Sorry, got these sacks.'

Humor Quotes by Jack Handey
(published at 07/07/2011)

I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver…and since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him.

Humor Quotes by Jack Handey
(published at 12/07/2011)

If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.

Humor Quotes by Jack Handey
(published at 15/07/2011)

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